We're back at it! After a two year hiatus, our church is again performing "The Gospel According to Scrooge", a dramatic Christmas production. I am reprising the lead role as the effervescent Ebenezer Scrooge. What a joy and privilege to take part in this. It is simultaneously greatly taxing and greatly entertaining.
Work has been quite demanding lately. I've been working out of state quite a bit, staying overnight in hotels, working long days, and traversing some terribly congested highways in my attempts to be home in time for Thursday evening practices.
Practices are demanding, and drain the life out of me. Especially after a long work day. Tonight was the king of bad practices. I swear to you, I go through the entire production in my head while driving on an almost daily basis. I typically miss a word or two, jump a line, miss a cue, but never the same mistake twice. Tonight, I made all of them. Tonight, my brain wanted to shut down. Not just shut off, shut down. I've been trying to juggle work and personal life, and a lot of it came to a head today. The issues are as yet without resolution, but that should be forthcoming tomorrow. I'm not saying work is being difficult, its generally the opposite. Its just being work.
So tonight was bad. I couldn't focus. Had little energy. Since that's not usually me, it was pretty obvious I was having a very off night. After practice, I had to talk to my director. To apologize for my dismal performance tonight. And to let her know work was causing great stress for me. I didn't want her to also stress about my problems, but was it fair to perform badly, and just let her sit and wonder if something was wrong? For her, I think the not knowing what's going on is worse than the knowing there's something there, and its being dealt with. We discussed a few different aspects of the production, things still needing to be done, scheduling for certain events.
But the stress of everything needing to get done was still there. Still evident. Then she said it. She said, "God is amazing, and will get us through this. He always does." And right there, simply and eloquently, she brought me back to a place of peace. Faith. Trust. Maybe most of all, purpose. In the storm, its easy to forget those things. To worry that my strength might not be enough. I've delved into Scrooge's character a bit more this third time around, tweaking it for an even better performance, and missed the mark in my own. I'm not doing this because I'm a great actor. I'm not doing this because I want my name in lights. I'm not doing this because I want to impress others. I'm doing this because God has mercifully allowed and equipped me to perform.
Our director and her husband, who is the overseer of all things Scrooge, are actually performing this time. There was a moment backstage when they experienced the darkness of backstage, and commented on its depth. They aren't strangers to the stage, so I thought that was interesting. I had written a blog (http://intheanimalcage.blogspot.com/2011/12/fighting-darkness-fighting-light.html) about that very subject, and invited them to read it. So I sat, reading through my blogs, and realizing I hadn't blogged in a year. Bad me. I wondered what I might blog about, tonight, but nothing came to mind. Blank. I wasn't surprised, given the energy drain I experienced earlier, and surprised I was still awake.
Having no inspiration, and still super-stressed (I did that to prove I'm still hip, not because I love using super as prefix), I did something I haven't done in a long time: opened my Bible to a random page, pointed at a random verse, and read: "And after eight days again his disciples were with-in, and Thomas with them; then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you." This was the second time Jesus did this, after his resurrection. The first time, Thomas was not with them. Even though his closest friends tried to assure them of what happened, Thomas doubted that his Savior lived. Then this happens. Jesus just showed up in the midst of them, and removed all doubt. He didn't condemn. He didn't rebuke. He said here I am. Try me. I will not fail you.
I have little energy left tonight. Thoughts still buzz around my dull brain. But I am going to bed tonight with peace. Peace in the knowledge that Jesus still appears in my crazy life, when I doubt it most, and fills me with his awesome love.
