After this weekend's blatherings, I thought a positive post would be good for today.
Last night at work, I repeated my Sunday evening's goal of forcing myself to climb three flights of stairs, then needlessly descend the three flights only to need to ascend them again, all the while chanting, "I love hard work. I love sweat. I love discipline." Twice per shift. Mental Toughening. No excuses.
Yesterday was my first unicycle ride, and it was a good ride. Confident. Strong. Today, I didn't want to. I thought the excuse of "No need to overwork the muscles and risk injury" worked pretty well. For a little while, at least. I finally kicked myself in the mental arse and got dressed to ride.
Again, it was cool, and rainy, although not actively raining. The ride felt a good bit less confident, less strong. I could definitely feel my quads straining. I chanted my mantra, "Sit in seat, chin up, wiggle fingers, breathe." It always helps. I really had to focus on technique and relaxing to help my quads function adequately. Some days, I'll ride with a certain distance in mind. Today's goal was to not fall.
It seems odd to most people. Don't fall. Such a simple goal. Of course, if you are riding you aren't falling, and if you're falling, you aren't riding. So if the goal is to ride, not falling is fairly fundamental. You fall a lot learning to ride a unicycle, then you get better, and the falls become less frequent. When my quads start to give out, its the first sign of an impending upd (un-planned dismount). And that's what today was. Just don't fall.
Some days are like that. Its great to have goals to look forward to. Vacation in six months. Pay off the car in three. Drop twenty pounds by the end of the summer. Getting through the next two hours somehow seems insignificant compared to something months away, and yet its the decisions made in the next two hours that bring me closer to success or failure.
I didn't fall. I made the half-mile, took my standard couple minute break, then made it back. Success. I made the distance, but my goal was not falling. I met my goal. I won't always make my goal. I'll fail, I'll beat myself up, and you'll probably hear about it. Then I'll make myself climb stairs, or do some other needless activity to punish myself, and be on my way again.
But for the second day in a row, Today is a good day.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Monday, June 4, 2018
Self-Loathing, and the Will to Change, Part 2
I rode my unicycle in the rain. And it was great.
Its nice to have someone to talk to. To bounce ideas off of. This morning it was my tenant. He was in the kitchen when I got up. I told him of my plans to unicycle. He notified me of the rain outside, although it seemed to be letting up. We discussed numerous topics, as we occasionally do. One of my points was how, when I was younger, I would ride my bicycle in any weather. Weather never really had any bearing on my plans. If I wanted to be somewhere, my bike was in motion. Seriously, there wasn't a weather event that stopped me. The obvious questions, then, is when and why did that change?
As the owner and sole proprietor of a window and gutter cleaning business, I worked outside in all weather. Summer sun so blazing hot that the asphalt roof shingles would melt under my feet. Winter blizzards found me hauling a 32-foot stepladder through 5 foot snow drifts so I could walk on 2.5 story roofs and shovel snow off. Outside. All the time. Any weather.
Then, in 1997, I injured my back. That seems to be a defining moment of my existence. After that, my careers changed. Everything became a challenge, and I was no longer my past physical beast. Indoor, physically un-demanding jobs became the norm. My mental tolerance for anything uncomfortable fell drastically. My norm became whatever was easy, whatever didn't hurt. I lost a big portion of what had made me feel like a man.
In 2011, my back was healed. I don't know how, and I certainly don't understand why, but the pain mostly left. Its been a struggle since then to regain what I feel I have lost. My emotional cycles are more apparent. The inner struggles seem to get the better of me, and it makes life uncomfortable for me and those around me who catch me in a mood. I have learned to walk away from people when I'm moody, although that's not always possible. Then, you just have to tolerate me.
There have been events as of late that have challenged me, mostly emotionally. Mentally, I can justify almost anything. Dealing with the circumstances of the events can be much more difficult. Letting people down is not something I take lightly, and not something that I ever forget or let go. Its in these moments that I understand what grace is, and trust me, when I need it, I appreciate when it is given. Undeserved favor is truly a gift.
So while talking with my tenant, I decided the rain wasn't going to stop me. It was cool outside, sweatshirt cool. It wasn't raining at first, just misting. This would be my first unicycle ride in a year. Last year, I only rode once, and it was miserable. I pumped up the tire, got my gear together, including my new helmet, and walked out into the wet coolness. It felt great. As I began to ride, I felt good. A few houses down, and I felt strong. Like I hadn't lost a beat. I had anticipated the burning thighs, as is typical of a first ride. Nope. Made it to the end of the street, and felt like I could ride for miles.
I made it up the first little hill, which rather shocked me. It always gave me trouble. But I felt amazing. Not wanting to hurt myself, I purposely stopped at the half-mile mark, a flashing light at Kent and Fernbank. The best first ride ever, felt strong, and no UPDs. That's Un-Planned Dismount, or "fall" in uni-speak. I paced back and forth for a few minutes, mostly wondering if I would make it back without falling. My body was ready. I jumped back on, and rode home like I did this in my sleep. Wow. Didn't think that was possible.
I climbed the three front stairs without groaning or limping. Quads didn't even feel tired. My wife asked me how I felt, and I answered with a couple of double fist pumps in the air. I would have done the Rocky dance, but there were ceiling fans to consider.
Where this goes from here is up to me. To all of you who struggle daily to function like a normal person, I feel your pain. For me, its a force of will to make anything happen. Today has been a good day.
Its nice to have someone to talk to. To bounce ideas off of. This morning it was my tenant. He was in the kitchen when I got up. I told him of my plans to unicycle. He notified me of the rain outside, although it seemed to be letting up. We discussed numerous topics, as we occasionally do. One of my points was how, when I was younger, I would ride my bicycle in any weather. Weather never really had any bearing on my plans. If I wanted to be somewhere, my bike was in motion. Seriously, there wasn't a weather event that stopped me. The obvious questions, then, is when and why did that change?
As the owner and sole proprietor of a window and gutter cleaning business, I worked outside in all weather. Summer sun so blazing hot that the asphalt roof shingles would melt under my feet. Winter blizzards found me hauling a 32-foot stepladder through 5 foot snow drifts so I could walk on 2.5 story roofs and shovel snow off. Outside. All the time. Any weather.
Then, in 1997, I injured my back. That seems to be a defining moment of my existence. After that, my careers changed. Everything became a challenge, and I was no longer my past physical beast. Indoor, physically un-demanding jobs became the norm. My mental tolerance for anything uncomfortable fell drastically. My norm became whatever was easy, whatever didn't hurt. I lost a big portion of what had made me feel like a man.
In 2011, my back was healed. I don't know how, and I certainly don't understand why, but the pain mostly left. Its been a struggle since then to regain what I feel I have lost. My emotional cycles are more apparent. The inner struggles seem to get the better of me, and it makes life uncomfortable for me and those around me who catch me in a mood. I have learned to walk away from people when I'm moody, although that's not always possible. Then, you just have to tolerate me.
There have been events as of late that have challenged me, mostly emotionally. Mentally, I can justify almost anything. Dealing with the circumstances of the events can be much more difficult. Letting people down is not something I take lightly, and not something that I ever forget or let go. Its in these moments that I understand what grace is, and trust me, when I need it, I appreciate when it is given. Undeserved favor is truly a gift.
So while talking with my tenant, I decided the rain wasn't going to stop me. It was cool outside, sweatshirt cool. It wasn't raining at first, just misting. This would be my first unicycle ride in a year. Last year, I only rode once, and it was miserable. I pumped up the tire, got my gear together, including my new helmet, and walked out into the wet coolness. It felt great. As I began to ride, I felt good. A few houses down, and I felt strong. Like I hadn't lost a beat. I had anticipated the burning thighs, as is typical of a first ride. Nope. Made it to the end of the street, and felt like I could ride for miles.
I made it up the first little hill, which rather shocked me. It always gave me trouble. But I felt amazing. Not wanting to hurt myself, I purposely stopped at the half-mile mark, a flashing light at Kent and Fernbank. The best first ride ever, felt strong, and no UPDs. That's Un-Planned Dismount, or "fall" in uni-speak. I paced back and forth for a few minutes, mostly wondering if I would make it back without falling. My body was ready. I jumped back on, and rode home like I did this in my sleep. Wow. Didn't think that was possible.
I climbed the three front stairs without groaning or limping. Quads didn't even feel tired. My wife asked me how I felt, and I answered with a couple of double fist pumps in the air. I would have done the Rocky dance, but there were ceiling fans to consider.
Where this goes from here is up to me. To all of you who struggle daily to function like a normal person, I feel your pain. For me, its a force of will to make anything happen. Today has been a good day.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Self-Loathing, and the Will to Change
For the past two months, I have been working a new job on second shift. I've worked second and third shift before, but that was in my twenties. In my fifties, its a bit more challenging. The body doesn't respond as well as it used to. Couple the change in sleeping patterns with a huge reduction in exercise, and my body is confused.
I worked my last job for over thirteen years. A good portion of it was climbing ladders. Mostly 12 foot stepladders, throw in the six footer, and an occasional 28 foot extension, and you have a good picture. To keep up with all that activity, meals were frequent and bountiful.
That's all changed. I move around a lot, but nothing like I used to. Mostly short walks. Food has become scarce. A small breakfast, maybe lunch, and a regular dinner. This is not me. This has never been me.
I have a gym membership, but have only gone once in the past two months. I sleep a lot, more than I should. I just don't do enough. Its a simple matter of letting circumstances dictate my actions. Its too hot out? Stay inside. Wanna ride the unicycle? I need a new helmet. There's always been that part of me that just... won't... do. I have never understood this fight that goes on inside me. The sad part is, once I do "do", I feel great, and wonder why I haven't been doing all along.
This morning, I was the weak link. After two months of inaction and concession, I failed at something very important to me, which affected other people, and thus the self-loathing. I've been here before. This is my cycle.
There are three flights of stairs I have to climb, twice a shift. When things aren't good, I find myself breathing hard at the top landing. I recognize the problem, the need to change, the course for change. Then I don't change. I changed this evening.
On my second rounds, I climbed the stairs, and found myself breathing hard. I got mad. Angry. I got to the top landing, descended the three flights of stairs, and made myself climb them again. On the way up, I repeated the mantra, "I love hard work. I love sweat. I love discipline." Over and over, up the three flights. I made it, still breathing heavy, and went about my work. On the descent, I decided I needed to reward myself. I repeated the mantra, "I love hard work. I love sweat. I love discipline." The whole thing might sound a little odd to you, but it works for me.
It is my full intention to ride my unicycle tomorrow. I guess I need an accountability partner, and tag, you're it. My mantra for unicycle riding is, "Sit in seat. Chin up. Wiggle fingers. Breathe." Yes, I have to remind myself to breathe. Actually, they're all important reminders. But I have to be riding to make it work.
This is my struggle. Its also my apology. Tonight, I will rest. Tomorrow is a new day.
I worked my last job for over thirteen years. A good portion of it was climbing ladders. Mostly 12 foot stepladders, throw in the six footer, and an occasional 28 foot extension, and you have a good picture. To keep up with all that activity, meals were frequent and bountiful.
That's all changed. I move around a lot, but nothing like I used to. Mostly short walks. Food has become scarce. A small breakfast, maybe lunch, and a regular dinner. This is not me. This has never been me.
I have a gym membership, but have only gone once in the past two months. I sleep a lot, more than I should. I just don't do enough. Its a simple matter of letting circumstances dictate my actions. Its too hot out? Stay inside. Wanna ride the unicycle? I need a new helmet. There's always been that part of me that just... won't... do. I have never understood this fight that goes on inside me. The sad part is, once I do "do", I feel great, and wonder why I haven't been doing all along.
This morning, I was the weak link. After two months of inaction and concession, I failed at something very important to me, which affected other people, and thus the self-loathing. I've been here before. This is my cycle.
There are three flights of stairs I have to climb, twice a shift. When things aren't good, I find myself breathing hard at the top landing. I recognize the problem, the need to change, the course for change. Then I don't change. I changed this evening.
On my second rounds, I climbed the stairs, and found myself breathing hard. I got mad. Angry. I got to the top landing, descended the three flights of stairs, and made myself climb them again. On the way up, I repeated the mantra, "I love hard work. I love sweat. I love discipline." Over and over, up the three flights. I made it, still breathing heavy, and went about my work. On the descent, I decided I needed to reward myself. I repeated the mantra, "I love hard work. I love sweat. I love discipline." The whole thing might sound a little odd to you, but it works for me.
It is my full intention to ride my unicycle tomorrow. I guess I need an accountability partner, and tag, you're it. My mantra for unicycle riding is, "Sit in seat. Chin up. Wiggle fingers. Breathe." Yes, I have to remind myself to breathe. Actually, they're all important reminders. But I have to be riding to make it work.
This is my struggle. Its also my apology. Tonight, I will rest. Tomorrow is a new day.
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