Self-Loathing, and the Will to Change

For the past two months, I have been working a new job on second shift.  I've worked second and third shift before, but that was in my twenties.  In my fifties, its a bit more challenging.  The body doesn't respond as well as it used to.  Couple the change in sleeping patterns with a huge reduction in exercise, and my body is confused.

I worked my last job for over thirteen years.  A good portion of it was climbing ladders.  Mostly 12 foot stepladders, throw in the six footer, and an occasional 28 foot extension, and you have a good picture.  To keep up with all that activity, meals were frequent and bountiful. 

That's all changed.  I move around a lot, but nothing like I used to.  Mostly short walks.  Food has become scarce.  A small breakfast, maybe lunch, and a regular dinner.  This is not me.  This has never been me. 

I have a gym membership, but have only gone once in the past two months.  I sleep a lot, more than I should.  I just don't do enough.  Its a simple matter of letting circumstances dictate my actions.  Its too hot out?  Stay inside.  Wanna ride the unicycle?  I need a new helmet.  There's always been that part of me that just... won't... do.  I have never understood this fight that goes on inside me.  The sad part is, once I do "do", I feel great, and wonder why I haven't been doing all along. 

This morning, I was the weak link.  After two months of inaction and concession, I failed at something very important to me, which affected other people, and thus the self-loathing.  I've been here before.  This is my cycle. 

There are three flights of stairs I have to climb, twice a shift.  When things aren't good, I find myself breathing hard at the top landing.  I recognize the problem, the need to change, the course for change.  Then I don't change.  I changed this evening. 

On my second rounds, I climbed the stairs, and found myself breathing hard.  I got mad.  Angry.  I got to the top landing, descended the three flights of stairs, and made myself climb them again.  On the way up, I repeated the mantra, "I love hard work.  I love sweat.  I love discipline."  Over and over, up the three flights.  I made it, still breathing heavy, and went about my work.  On the descent, I decided I needed to reward myself.  I repeated the mantra, "I love hard work.  I love sweat.  I love discipline."  The whole thing might sound a little odd to you, but it works for me.

It is my full intention to ride my unicycle tomorrow.  I guess I need an accountability partner, and tag, you're it.  My mantra for unicycle riding is, "Sit in seat.  Chin up.  Wiggle fingers.  Breathe."  Yes, I have to remind myself to breathe.  Actually, they're all important reminders.  But I have to be riding to make it work. 

This is my struggle.  Its also my apology.  Tonight, I will rest.  Tomorrow is a new day.