I felt old today.
Last summer, I auditioned for, and scored, a part as an extra in the upcoming Stephen King mini-series "Castle Rock" on Hulu. After its out, and if I make it in the final cut, I'll update with details. So now I receive constant emails from the casting company about current projects. This morning's email was for parts in a TV pilot, with filming tomorrow. I have extra time, so I applied. I needed a current picture, so my wife went outside with me and took a few.
Then I looked at the pictures. Man. Father Time is doing a number on me. I've noticed this on other people. You can see where they change. One picture, they look like you know them. The next picture, they look different. Older. That's how I felt when looking at the pictures. If I were casting parts for a TV show, I would cast me as a college professor. One who's been there a while. The word "distinguished" came to mind. Ouch.
I don't want to be distinguished. I don't want to be old. I don't want gray hair. I don't want wrinkles. I don't want aches and pains. I could really do without any of it.
I'm not special. Father Time has no contention with me personally. He's just doing his thing. I still hate him for it.
I am special. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me in a very personal way. In fact, he created time, and that's probably the only justification I have in tolerating all this. God's not going to stop time for me, or for you, either. We all have to endure. I could spin it where if I'm enduring old age, then I've made it to old age, blah blah blah. Take that as you will.
No, I don't think I'm elderly yet. There's plenty I can still do. Lots to accomplish. The new job has pressed a huge reset button for me, on many planes. Physically, I'm getting a lot more sleep. I can tell because my dreams are much more deep, more intense, more colorful. Mentally, I'm invigorated in the process of learning the details of running a power plant, not just the weekend mentality of keeping it running until the full-timers come in on Monday. Emotionally... I de-stressed. Amazingly, it only took about two hours of quiet with soft music in the background, and the stress was gone. I have crossed a huge bridge in life, and now I stand on the other side, overwhelmed with excitement about the possibilities that lie ahead.
But I still look old. Oh, I'll fight it. Its gonna be a good summer. Lots of exercise, time in the gym, time on the unicycle. Lots of sunshine, fresh air, and good company. We are joining a CSA this year, so lots of fresh, organic veggies. My diet has changed drastically. This revelation will make me smarter. Work harder. More aware. I'll do what I can to stem the tide... but...
The evidence is before me. Three years into my fifth decade, and I can see the change. Its there. When I look in the mirror, I see the me I'm used to seeing. When I see these pictures, well, its different.
Sure, go ahead, say all the platitudes. "Make the most of every day." "Make sure to tell those you love that you love them." "Cherish every day you wake up with breath in your lungs." ""There are plenty of people in the world who would love to have your problems." "At least you still have all your hair." To quote a famous movie line, "Today is not that day." Today, I'm just mad.
So if you want inspirational blatherings, read my other blog posts. I'll deal with it. I'll be fine tomorrow. I might be fine after eating a delicious dinner. I'll walk it off. I'll be fine, really. I'm just relaying what's behind the mask. I'm just relaying how you also feel, behind the mask.
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