I grabbed the doorknob, went to turn it, and no go. The door was locked. I had driven there to pay for a class I need to take, and the door was locked. It was 11:00 on a Friday morning. Who isn't in the office at 11:00 on a Friday morning? Apparently, them. I called the office from their lobby, left a message, and departed.
Yes, I could have called them from home, and saved myself a trip. It was a little cold out, but sunny and dry. A nice day to get me out of the house for a bit. Driving home, I felt a little frustrated. Driving always helps me think, so it wasn't hard to determine the source of frustration. It wasn't the wasted trip, as I stated above. It was waiting to pay for the class. I didn't know if there would even be a class. If a minimum number of persons haven't signed up, there wouldn't be a class. I'm prepared for that, if it happens.
The source of the frustration was, indeed, having to hold the money in my bank account, waiting to find out what will happen to it. Will it get paid towards a class? When will it get paid, and clear from my account? If there won't be a class, it will instead get dumped onto a credit card bill, but when? The not knowing and waiting part drives me crazy.
My wife and I discuss our finances at least once a week. I get paid every two weeks, but we "do bills" every week, just to keep tabs on things. This week we discussed our new car loan, credit card bills, and the upcoming tax season. Again, a bit of frustration, because I don't know how much our tax refund will be this year, so its hard to plan.
I always want to get "there". I always want to "arrive". There's always a plan, there's always a goal. There's always a destination. Its hard to see the journey. Its hard to differentiate between a destination and a step. My trouble is how I perceive the physical world. Everything I know needs to be summed up in an Excel spreadsheet, and I have to see everything on the screen. Scrolling is bad. Everything has to be visible, to line up, to make sense. (I solved part of this issue two years ago when I bought a bigger, 24" monitor.)
If my trouble is my perception of how the world should work, my frustration is that I am human, and frequently don't live up to my own expectations of how things should work. Its easier for me to see results, good or bad, so I can react accordingly. The waiting game just gives me time in my head, second guessing everything. After seeing my spreadsheet work for the past 16 years, I have come to trust my processes, and know that they are effective. Its that headspace, that lifetime of humanity that always makes me uneasy.
Taking another, separate action today. Its been on the books for over a month. At least it will make my spreadsheet look a little cleaner. Don't know if its a step, a landing, or the top of a staircase. I'll have to wait to find out. Ugh.
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