Crazy. This last year I have worked more hours in a single year than at any point in my entire life. Odd that a pandemic would provide such opportunity. Well, its odd if you don't understand my source. I thank God for providing, as He always has, and this was an opportunity for me to break out of a debt hole. A recent week-long vacation allowed me to stop and rest, relax, reflect, and look forward. One day back from vacation, and I already feel run over, but a 16-hour overnight shift will do that.
Because of the abundance of work, I was able to pay off my credit cards, then my vehicles, then do a few home improvement projects. The mortgage is still a mountain of debt, but I can finally set my sights on tackling it. During all those years of struggle, I really never doubted God was there. I looked at our bleak situation and blamed myself for decisions that could have been handled differently. I could have been more frugal. But never God's fault. In fact, there were times that I would just scratch my head in disbelief that we made it yet another week. All the time, God keeping us from drowning, and me unsure of why, except knowing that He loves me, and even then still asking why.
Often, I felt like I was drowning in debt. No longer able to swim, the proverbial fist above the water signaling a one, or a two, and on rare occasions, a three. Finally we sat, in the smallest of boats, bouyant on the sea of debt. Like a kayak on the ocean. A tiny vessel, floating, able to paddle about when the sea is calm, struggling to maintain uprightness when the slightest wave approached. In the distance, there were five points of land. Which one to paddle towards? Pick one, start paddling. Fight the wind and waves to maintain direction. The closer I got to one, the further from the others I became, and hoped my decision was the right one, or at least a good one.
There are struggles to look back on. Times of hope, and times of despair. Moments when I question how God will get me through. Not doubting that He will, just knowing that my finite brain cannot fathom His infinite ways. A friend wrote about how faith can be tested by standing in the valley and looking at the mountain. The mountain looks immense, dark, unscaleable. Then God lays a path at my feet, and I have to have faith and take that step. There is a test of faith taking that first step. There is a test of faith in every step, for the climb can be brutal.
In my little kayak, there's a test of faith with every paddle. Every wave. Every drop of water landing in the little boat is a threat to capsize and drown. Danger lurks everywhere. (Interestingly, I watched the movie "Jaws" last night. As I started writing this yesterday morning, maybe that was more than just a random choice?) Storms, creatures of the water, creatures of the night. Even the life-refreshing sun and salt water work against me. Clouds can be my friends until they aren't my friends. Paddle right, paddle left. Maintain course. Over and over.
Then I achieve landfall. I fall down and kiss the sand. I survey my little island, my self intact, my safety assured, at least for the moment. I stare back at the ocean and think, "Not this time." The ocean smiles back and says, "Sure, ok, but for how long can you survive on a small island?" It has a point.
I haven't reached the mainland, just a small island. There's plenty of ocean to traverse, but that's tomorrow. It was enough of a struggle to get here, and I must rest. All along the way, I have questioned my decisions and my choices, but never doubted that God was with me. Standing atop my little island, and looking around triumphantly, I can honestly say that there is a temptation to claim victory. Maybe not for everything, but for some of it. I must have been responsible for some of it, right? At that point, my true test of faith, maybe my greatest test of faith, is to stand at the top and give every success, whether enormous or miniscule, to God. He didn't just guide me... He held me up through every stroke I swam, every stroke I paddled. He nourished me through every physical demand. He sheltered me through every storm. He held at bay the seen and unseen forces that would have defeated me. If I for one moment think that I was responsible for, or even capable of, not failing before the first step, then I am a liar and a usurper of God's due glory.
Perspective is a beautiful thing. We see things from an angle that is uniquely our own. Whether in the water, on the beach, in the valley, or on the mountaintop, whatever is my view, I should see Jesus first in all things. And for those standing near or far, sharing our journey or grinding through their own, we should see Jesus first in them. God is the originator of perspective. Acknowledging that can be trying at times, but immersed in it is to love others the way He does.
No comments:
Post a Comment